Her Powers Failed Her

The women's women's superhero competition took place this weekend, pitting the strongest supernatural women of the world against each other. It is important to clear one thing up at the outset. Many women think that Ms. America is this country's representative superhero. She's not. "She" is the winner of the annual competition to be Captain America's wife for a year. No superpowers; just lots of low self-esteem.

No, the female superhero representing the United States is Ms. U.S.A. After months of brutal bloodsoaked domestic combat, Ms. U.S.A. conquered and killed hundreds of women for the opportunity to take on the greatest female superheros from other countries.

Despite the United States being considered a "superpower," when it comes to supernatural combat, that title is a misnomer. The Nordic nations have dominated many competitions, which is not so surprising given the fact that many of them are the descendants of brutally effective Norse gods. Puerto Rico has produced many winners as well, but surprisingly these effective superheros are unable to secure modest goals such as stopping the bombing in Vieques (I imagine one of these women being able to easily catch one of the bombs and throw it back at the planes that launched them). Much less Puerto Rican independence.

If you have the time, you have to check out the timeline of winners and world events available on the Ms. Universe cite. The organizers helpfully explain how the competition winners were responsible for key world events. For example, did you know that in 2004, Australian Jennifer Hawkins won; months later Saddam Hussein was found hiding at an isolated farm near Tikrit. Coincidence? The pagent officials hint otherwise. In 2001, Denise Quinones wins the pagent; later that year terrorists strike the WTC and Pentagon. Coincidence? The pagent timeline hints otherwise.

As noted above, the Americans have failed to show up on numerous occasions. This year's Ms. U.S.A. Her powers include "the wave of megavanity." But, there are side effects. Namely a massive loss of balance. She unleashed her powers at a crucial moment during the competition, only to be felled by the flipside of her powers. Notwithstanding the fall, she managed to kill Ms. Trinidad & Tobago, Ms. Austria and Ms. Bhutan: